Do we Choose Mates According to our Masculinity or Femininity?
Many teachings are being more commonly being spoken of and published on the subject of tantra, embodiment, polarity, masculinity, femininity, yin, yang, basically the language that we can use and try to refine to either strive to be better or move towards self-realization and/or unification. Many on the path of self-development believe that we have to “work” on something in ourselves, as this reaffirms to us that we are not enough – that we are not good enough, balanced enough, enough to be deserving of love, freedom, choice, whatever that person is most longing for in their journey. Many times, the longing is to actually to be seen and to be loved. This is why workshops, group work and communities who strive for self-development of their members work well. Eventually everyone is in a group or in a community is seen, as a platform is given to those who commit to a process or a community belief. Further to the notion of the rising popularity in consciousness work is the fact that all of us are human, we all need love, and if we didn’t get enough of it in our childhood (which is common as our parents didn’t get enough either and are repeating this cycle with their children), then we seek it outside of ourselves in adulthood. By then, however, the focus can be maturely inward. We are all capable of being a self-contained and mastered unit, this can be seen outwardly if a person simply works on health and nutrition and changing their body which is generally easy to do with conviction. However life is more vibrant with loving beings to share it with, and even more so when you can feel consciousness or even come into a blessed position to know and even experience a soul connection.
Human longings are enough to make tantra workshops continually full. This is what my work is based on. Knowing this yearning for depth.
We can reflect where we are on the “self-development ladder” in comparison to others, be it that we are in the beginning of our journey, the middle, or the end (a student, a person with varying levels of experience, a teacher, a mature teacher, an enlightened human being.) We will all have a completely different experience within ourselves and within a community or a group depending on where we are positioned in a group, how well we speak, act, what label we work under or towards becoming. This can explain why we like to have and also need others around us, so we have a system of measurement, and also others to tell us how we are perceived. Comparison is not a high energy but it can be an indicator, when we look at the words “what is true masculinity and what makes up femininity? Blindspots are called just this because we cannot see them ourselves. Go a bit deeper into the realm of alternative lifestyles and inner work in order to really know who we are, and then even deeper through the years of dedication to oneself. Eventually, a well-developed person will give very little regard to what others think of them, as a highly aware person knows and feels projection all of the time, and projections are merely mirrors of what we either have or do not have within ourselves.
Femininity and Masculinity – Balanced or Observed and Accepted?
A woman says that she is working on her feminine because she isn’t found attractive when firey. A man feels insecure in the area of performance if he is not “topping” the woman’s intelligence, prowess, or attractiveness. It is difficult to come together from a place of lack when the longing is to be met.
There are so many unspoken and unproven beliefs revealed that he or she has not yet fully loved or accepted herself just as she is or that someone else, likely a threatened man told her she needed to be more feminine. Many questions can arise when we look at what we are made of and try to change it. Perhaps she didn’t believe it, yet she agreed due to the conditioning of women to keep the peace and surrender to the masculine, or the alpha holding the most power in that particular situation or conversation. Women already are innately feminine woman and naturally love. They also naturally use what is needed to survive especially in early formative years and this can be in the doing rather than in the existing realm of living a life naturally. Many time, she might “pretend” that the man is right when she really knows he isn’t in order to have him feel strong and “masculine” in her presence. She might use sexuality to hook a man she doesn’t love but wants for his money, sex protection or other assets. Stronger still, she may stay with a man who abuses her as she doesn’t feel the capability to survive on her own, let alone love herself with no outside. We don’t usually state this but it is still happening all over the world, and we still don’t speak.
Acknowledge and observe everything about yourself, and as much as you can about others without comparing and the world runs in alignment with nature. What happens is, we don’t fully show up for ourselves, we even abandon ourselves, then we compromise leading to the result of achieving or obtaining something that we want but it isn’t exactly everything. There is some dissatisfaction eventually as it was not a choice made in a hundred per cent totality and this cycle repeats itself. If it repeats, we live in the mundane and not in the excellent or divinely evolved realms. We stay human, we die, and are reborn to try again. Eternity.
Example. When a strong woman dates a more ‘feminine’ man, not quite her equal there is already an imbalance of qualities to be observed, worked through in communication or in energetic balance. She has some power ‘over him’ as he will stay with her, maybe marry, even give her babies, and this is the security she might choose him over another man. He may begin to resent his life choice eventually as he has made an ethical commitment, but he is not in his truth to wish to break free from this commitment and find a lover, an experience or even a new mate. She may also wish to do this. We all know the discontent felt when we are not feeling completely free to do and be as we are. When a man dates a woman of lower status than he, one who may even be from another class or lesser developed social culture, the man may be happy at first but later become discouraged or sometimes lazy in seeking that partner consisting of true love. This is the tantric path, to go for love, not convenience. We all simply want ease, comfort, a feminine presence, a masculine focus at times in life, which happens when men first commit to a lesser partner. Again, resentment for this choice happens in the long-term of the relationship and many relationships should end before they actually do in order to stay present.
You can observe that the couple do not match, it is an obvious one but also commonly accepted as both people are getting something out of the arrangement, it just isn’t love or balance. The masculine respects less, treats her with less attention and even dis-own this important life choice. The comfortability factor slides into interactions between a less conscious couple and we blame unhappiness on those who we are close to. Those we live with. Blaming and fighting happens much more often in a partnership not based on love but on lower desires, often human desires.
We are seeing many more men’s groups in spiritual circles, men who are working on themselves trying to develop masculinity. What does this mean? Have you seen that they are being led by men who need this skill developed in themselves or on their own courage? It is often the way it is. We teach what we need to learn. Men who cannot approach women, verbally, sexually, energetically, to even express their romantic interest. We are all wounded on these sensitive issues and the world needs training for certain, as we strive for better communication, especially between the sexes. This can be a topic for many men’s groups. The ones who have the charisma should be giving examples to show what women want in that regard, yet it needs to come in the form of a man that truly sees woman, not objectifies her or elevates himself by seeing her as less due to his understanding of how women are or work. Yes, women will “go along” with the suggestions of many strong men, they like it. As women are finding more of a voice now to give education to how it feels as a woman, the feminine is finally being heard. She can now express what is feels like to have the feeling of being used for sex, for example, when the misunderstanding may come through the fact that both sexes would like sex, but women like a safe container and men like to feel free. Women can feel the sensation of being hunted as opposed to being loved or understood. The feminine in all of us enjoys support and the feeling of having one stand-by us. So where do we go if neither men or women are fully loving themselves and continually looping in struggle with the masculine and feminine elements and with getting love needs met?
We want different things and we fear different things, yet at the same time we want the same. Women fear abandonment; men fear performance anxiety. They can and do turn to tantra as a practice, trainings which involve sexuality and feeling into and sometimes acting on the need to develop more masculinity or femininity to get what they want in love. Also seemingly difficult is finding a partner who can hold the developed alpha women, those who do a tremendous amount of work on themselves not to compromise on partners of less power, yet women seem to be taking the lead in self-development work. They are the ones who more often step into the shala or into a space that might be uncomfortable. Men will enjoy the path of body and work on the body, leaning towards basic needs and survival more often than a woman who has the time to look at evolution and meditation, as it can be easier for woman to care for herself when singular, not having to possess much in order to be content. We don’t need a lot if we learn minimalism and contentment.
Men wish for more sex, and women do also, but with a container that can hold her safely, likely in the form of relationship, trust, or both. The interesting part of this desire is for continuous connection yet an even deeper desire for the masculine to feel freedom and for the feminine to feel safe, also freedom. How do these seemingly different desires work together? This is the real work of human beings and where vulnerability comes in. Having the courage to express vulnerability when sensitive men-wom-men issues arise upon sexual or energetic encounters happen will open the door to relationships that can flourish through our growth.
This is the point. The universe simply doesn’t work in a line, do something and then the expected big picture is the result. This is where presence comes in to the attuned mind and those refined in consciousness. You cannot force love, a feeling, an essence, or God. Definitely not God. There is no trying to change what is needed if a partner who is male simply has more feminine traits and is partnered evenly with a woman who has more masculine traits. If the traits match in terms of what is needed in life, keep it that way. If say, sixty per cent or more is working on a friendship, compatibility, project, sexual, intellectual, purpose or belief level we don’t need to change or try to force something that isn’t there. It only causes resentment and shame for what the person inherently is and working on full acceptance of what is.